Want to retire the martyr?

Angie Monko - Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Are you tired of unhealthy people-pleasing? I'm not
not talking giving and helping others in a way that 
really brings us joy and satisfaction.  

I'm referring to the actions that leave us  FEELING over-
drawn, resentful, exhausted, scattered, and generally over-
whelmed, when we OVER GIVE.

Maybe you were told it's selfish to toot our own horn, to 
ask for what we need and want, to speak up, to feel angry,
to put ourselves first... Perhaps you were even told it's 
narcissistic, self-absorbed, self-seeking.

BUT is this really true?  I invite you to explore a new 
paradigm, what I call the Worthy Self-Advocate (WSA), where you
can retire the martyr and make room for more fulfillment.

Imagine a continuum. On the far left side, we have Narcissism.
On the far right, we have Extreme Co-Dependence. The 
Worthy Self-Advocate falls in the middle. She has learned to
do the dance between the two extremes.

What does this look like? On the Narcissistic Side, we have
someone who is very direct, to the point of regularly hurting
others' feelings. They are very concerned about telling others
what is on their mind. 

They can be very opinionated.  They will often say, "Well, it
wasn't my intention to hurt them.  This is just how I'm wired.
They are overly sensitive! They need to get over it!"

Their general impact on others is pretty negative and quick 
to manifest because they don't hold back on what they
think. Life is all about THEM, what they want and need. This
is because they are wounded and traumatized inside. 

On the other extreme is the Co-Dependent person. They often
won't say what's on their mind because they don't want to hurt
others' feelings. They will keep doing for others and saying YES
when they really want to say NO, to the point that they are 
exhausted and ready to explode...the martyr.

The Co-Dependent also has a negative impact, but it's a 
slower burn because they may appear FINE and happy, when
inside they are seething. FINE=Feelings I'm Not Expressing.

Eventually the truth comes out, and people who may have 
been relying on/believing them become disappointed, hurt, and 
confused.  Why? Because when the Co-Dependent has had
enough, they will retreat and withdraw, and you'll have no idea
what happened.  

So what is the happy dance of moderation between these 
two extremes, the Worthy Self-Advocate?

It's figuring out how to be true to yourself, honestly
communicating with kindness and authenticity. It's realizing
that to be happy and fulfilled, it's not enough to live on an 
island of isolation and speak your truth. 

If we don't learn to speak with sincerity AND kindness, we just
may end up alone.  The WSA pays attention to her impact on
others.  She knows she cannot control what other people think
of her, how they judge her.  

However, she will not sacrifice her well-being to influence the
opinions of others. She tries to be as mindful and aware of others'
needs and desires as possible, knowing that she must first extend
this respect and courtesy to herself so she may practice it with

Example (Narcissist): Teenage daughter asks Narcissist mom
to take her to band practice, that she has every Wednesday.  
Mom replies, "No, I can't do'll have to find another 
ride." Mom loses trust with her daughter as she tells her this 
last minute, giving the daughter little chance to make other plans.

Example (Dependent): Teenage daughter asks Co-dependent Mom, who
is not feeling well and down with the flu, to take her to band practice.
Mom, instead of explaining how exhausted she is, grins and bears
it. Mom feels compelled to say YES to everything her daughter
asks of her.

Example (WSA): Teenage daughter asks WSA Mom, who is sick
with the flu, to take her to band practice.  Mom explains that she is 
under the weather, apologizes, and asks if her daughter can find
another ride to practice.  The WSA Mom gets vulnerable, honestly
communicates, and figures out another way.

In this way, she retires the martyr who feels obligated to always do
for others. She is kind and considerate,trying to help her daughter
find another solution.  

No matter where you find yourself on this continuum, you are not
a bad person.  You've simply learned some coping skills that can be
re-learned.  The real enemy is the belief that we can never be good
enough or acceptable enough. Don't buy into this! 

Please comment below.  Where do you fall in this spectrum?  Feel
free to share this blog post on social media too.  


Angie Monko

Dana Rich commented on 22-Aug-2017 04:48 PM
Really great blog/article! This is so true and I have been guilty of being on the martyr side. With my 10 kids and husband it is easy to get feeling overwhelmed but not let people know what I need which leads me to feeling resentful, unappreciated and lacking in energy. I so appreciate Angie Monko working with me to open my eyes to a better way to respond to life. I still get feeling overwhelmed but am learning to let those around me know, say no to some things and take time for myself to rejuvenate. Thank you Angie!

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