Want to be someone you're not?

Angie Monko - Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Do you ever want to be someone you’re not?
The grass is always greener on the other side, isn’t it?

Their life must be better. They have a nice home and
car and send their kids to expensive, private schools. They
don’t have to worry about debt. They are thin. They
are married, etc.

The truth is that we can never be inside of another’s
mind and heart and truly know what’s going on in there.
Poverty exists as a state of mind.  It’s not the actual
circumstances or how little money we have that makes
us feel poor.

Appearances are SO deceptive.  People look like they
have it all together, but inside could be drowning in sorrow
and shame that they aren’t good enough. This truly does
not have anything to do with how much money they make.

It has everything to do with how they view themselves
and the world.  If they grew up with a demanding parent,
and they felt like they had to get this parent’s approval before
they’d feel loved, then they might develop into a workaholic
who’s never satisfied with what they accomplish.

When we come from this place of shame and feeling unlovable
it’s easy to “get on someone else’s side of the street,” metaphorically.
We’ll then often put ourselves on a self-righteous pedestal, where
we’re always giving advice and being distracted by their problems.

Where it really gets tricky is when our loved ones witness
our folly, our error, our mistakes. After all, we shouldn’t be
making mistakes because we know best. This may sound
like arrogance, but in reality it’s insecurity. It goes back to
feeling like we’re not enough. When people see “our stuff,”
we feel raw, naked, vulnerable, defective.

As a business owner or entrepreneur, it’s easy to get lost in
the business of making money. We forget what’s really
important, to be kind and patient with our spouse and children,
to be kind to ourselves.

I speak from experience.  My masculine/feminine energy
has been out of whack for most of my life.  Although I’m
a woman, more often I have displayed the traits of the
masculine, the need to get results, drive outcomes, accomplish,
make money…

Maybe I’m a little ashamed of this tendency of mine.
I have this fear that what if I’m so driven to work in and
on my business that I’ll regret not having spent enough
time with the people I love.

What if, instead, I embraced this about myself?

The other day my daughter, Maddie, who has Cystic Fibrosis,
tried to convince me that I should get a job because then I could
get off at 5pm and have nights and weekends off and spend more
time with her. Sounds pretty reasonable when you consider she
may not live a long and full life.

And it appeals to my guilt. That doesn’t feel empowered.

I must admit I wanted to defend myself and “get on her
side of the street,” and blame her for being so needy.
I wanted to explain my position and how I needed to support
our family, almost like I was sacrificing my joy to be the provider.

Instead, I explained that I really love my work of helping
others and I had no desire to go back to a corporate job. It
would dampen my spirit. At least I didn’t play the victim card—LOL.

So what can I do about this? What mindset would be
healthy that would allow me to be a successful, entrepreneur
who has a harmonious family life, making plenty of money to
sustain a quality lifestyle?

What if instead of getting defensive when others disagree with
me or point out my flaws, I remain grounded and listen. Sure,
I’ll feel exposed, but so what? It’s important that I own all of me
and my choices. This is very freeing! I won’t die if I admit I’m
wrong or not right.

I DO make mistakes, and it’s hard to admit them in the “heat
of the battle” with family members.  I could begin to see these
people in my life as gifts, a pathway to my best self. When I
defend myself, I am feeling insecure.  Bottom line.

So I will own that right now. I AM insecure at times, at least
every day at some point.  I don’t feel like I’m a good enough
mom.  I’ve made some big blunders in business too, that put
me behind financially. I’m impatient with Steve, etc.

Maybe I’d learn something about how to be happy. We are so
full of shame about who we are (not being good enough) that it
is difficult to take responsibility for our current life results without
harsh self-judgment.  So we blame others instead.

I’ll end with this quote by Jessamyn West, “It is very easy to
forgive others their mistakes. It takes more gut and gumption
to forgive them for having witnessed our own.”

I invite you to attend a workshop Thursday, February 8th
from 6-8pm. Register now to get it for $25 by 2/1.

We will use emotional freedom technique (EFT or tapping)
to help you speak your truth, own your mistakes, and release
feelings of not enough-ness. Hope to see you there!


Angie Monko

P.S.: If you want to join others in a small group setting and make
YOUR life work first by loving, accepting and forgiving yourself,
come to the Frontier to Freedom class. 

Dana Rich commented on 01-Feb-2018 01:11 PM
Thanks again Angie for sharing and being so open and vulnerable! I love reading your blogs especially as I see so many similarities in my own life. You have taught me and my family so much. Because of your teachings, just last night I was able to help calm down a neighbor who was angry about his and our dog who fight on either side of our gates. I was able to see past his accusing tone to me and his blaming our dog for everything to seeing he was reacting out of fear and it really wasn't personal. I had to let go my own pride first though which was difficult to do. But I am grateful I did because now we are trying to work together to figure out a solution that will protect both of our dogs.__________________That is so awesome, Dana! I'm glad my blogs are helpful to you and that you're applying them in real life situations like this.

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