The Quiet Bench (Saying YES when you want to say NO)
Why do we do this? Why do we say yes when we
really want to say no ( in other words, people please)?
People Pleasing is Everywhere
People pleasing shows up in so many places, in
how we parent, in how we were parented, in our
business and networking, with our siblings and friends,
in our relationship with God or a Higher Power….
…in our relationship with our body (yes even there, but
that’s material for another day), and perhaps no where
more drastically than in our romantic relationship.
This is the case because our romantic partner is so
woven into the fabric of our life. We expect SO much
from this person and place a lot of responsibility on them
for our own happiness.
It’s not a fair expectation but it is the way it is.
Think of a time you said YES to your partner but didn’t
really want to…why did you do that?
This is “The Quiet Bench”
Morgan tells the story of how she’s shifted in her need
to people please her husband, Jared. A year ago, she
needed alone time and was going to go for a walk.
Jared asked if he could come along, and she said yes.
BUT that’s not what she wanted. She only said yes to
”not hurt his feelings.” She wasn’t able to feel as
replenished as a result.
Just last week, she and Jared were vacationing to
a certain spot that stirred up a lot of emotion for her.
She told Jared, “I need some time alone.” He said OK.
She found a lovely bench where she could reflect.
After a bit, Jared joined her and she said, “This is the
Quiet Bench.” I loved how she set this boundary in a loving way!
Compassion = Honoring Your NO
By stating her true need, she stayed true to herself,
and he was fine. She put trust in his ability to handle
her truth. This is compassion—conveying a
”You’ve got this attitude!” rather than the implied
”I’ve got to figure this out for you” attitude associated
with people pleasing and dysfunctional communication.
What if having a healthy relationship of deep connection
were more simple than we’re making it? What if it’s all
about honestly sharing what’s on our heart and mind,
especially if we're ashamed of our thoughts/feelings…
that’s when it matters most to expose those thoughts.
People Pleasing is About Self-Protection
So the reason we say YES when we truly want to say NO
is that we want to protect others from our truth because
we believe it will hurt them. But on an even deeper level,
we do this because we want to protect ourselves from
being alone and rejected.
Check out the video where Morgan and I briefly discuss
this topic and what you can expect about our upcoming
master class on 8/28..
We will dive more deeply into the intricacies of how
people pleasing shows up in our romantic relationships
and some practical suggestions on what to do about it.
As long as we people please, we won’t have meaningful
connection, the hallmark of fulfilling and lasting relationships.
Let’s do this together!
We’ve chosen a format in which we can interact and really
engage with you. Register here now.
Courageously (because it takes courage to live and love fully),
Angie & Morgan