Maddie's Art of Possibility
A lot of things have occurred over the summer, including a lot of self-sabotage. When I thought that I had let go of my dad and I was happy, I stopped doing the work to get happy. Then I reverted to my old ways and started missing him, which now I know missing him is inevitable, because you can't let go of somebody you love. Then I began to feel guilty for not being there with him. This resulted in
self-sabotaging behaviors such as not taking my insulin, not taking my enzymes to help digest my food, not taking any of my supplements, lying, and pretty much messing around with guys.
Little did I realize that I was in DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) all summer, which made me feel sluggish and gave me bad mood swings and was quite dangerous to my health. I got to the point where I had to feel relief. So I decided to call my dad and apologize and tell him that I wanted to come and see him. It was my way of rescuing myself from myself.
When I got to my dad's, we started getting along very well, better than we ever did. We really bonded and felt connected at a deeper level. I then told my mom that I'd rather stay with my dad than go on vacation with her. She and my step dad were very upset. I did this because I didn't want to feel guilty because I hadn't seen him for a year, and I'd only been with him for 2 weeks.
As the days went by, I began to think I could possibly live with my dad again, after leaving three years prior. I was really scared to tell my mom, because I knew I was making this decision out of fear of returning to school and leaving the co-dependent relationship with my dad. After speaking with my mom, I concluded that I wanted to come home after being in indecision land for so long. I devised a plan to come back and stay 5 months with my dad this December. Part of me feels like I'm doing this to redeem myself, but also to let my dad know that I truly do love him. Now that I've decided this and have no guilt, I am taking care of myself 100%, and my blood sugars went from being in the 300-400 every day to 7o-150
daily, and I can eat whatever I want in moderation.
The biggest twist to all of this is, when I go in December, for the first time in 14 years, my families are going to unite. My mom and step dad and step sister are going to drive me to Pennsylvania and stay with my dad and step mom and two half brothers in the same home. This is such a big step for them, considering my dad has hated my mom since the divorce. There are so many possibilities for my family's future! This will be a big learning experience for all of us.
Wish me luck on my journey!