If only THEY'D be different, would you be happy?

Angie Monko - Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Angie & Maddie (Sept 2017)

Have you ever found yourself saying, “If only he or she would do this or
say that, I’d be so much happier! Why can’t they just be nice and less dramatic?
Why can’t they just take care of themselves, get a job, stop smoking, doing drugs,
being so lazy, help more, show me more attention…  Why, why, oh why?!”

These are very seductive thoughts, and yes, we all do it. It’s so darn easy to
think people or situations are to blame for how we feel. It is so tempting to
think that if THEY would only change, we could THEN be happy.

In the meantime, we stay busy, working our jobs and careers, cleaning our
houses, tending to the kids’ and the spouse’s needs, cooking as best we can,
depending on how much time and desire we have…and if we’re really focused,
we may take some much-needed time for ourselves to relax.

So how do you relax? If you’re like a lot of women I talk to, you may have
one too many glasses of Chardonnay in the evening, escape into Shameless
episodes or some other Netflix original, over-indulge in cookies and cakes
to “sweeten” up your life, or lose yourself in Facebook.

Let go of guilt—you’ve been coping as best you can

If this is how you’ve been coping with the daily stresses of the human
experience that is totally OK! I’m certainly not here to guilt you.  Personally,
I also will get lost in some entertaining series like Shameless, Ozark or American
Horror Story.  I will turn to food to comfort me because it’s an old habit.

I’m definitely not perfect and nor will I ever pretend to be.

One thing you can count on with me is that I will tell you the truth
about what’s going on with me.  I’m not your guru, and I won’t put
myself on a self-righteous pedestal.

I’ve done that before, especially with my children. When I first got into
personal growth and looked within for answers and healing (I was 27 years
old--about 21 years ago), I wanted everyone to jump on the bandwagon
with me.

When I noticed my kids or significant other “messing up,” not taking
responsibility for their choices, I would sometimes make a “V” shape
with my fingers, placing them on my forehead.  Similar to making an
 “L” shape and indicating someone is a Loser, the V implied they were
showing up as a Victim.

Of course this had the opposite effect of helping them to change or
grow.  It made them angry, understandably so, and it created distance
between us. Fortunately, I didn’t continue doing that very long because
I realized how arrogant AND ineffective it was.

If we want others to change, it’s important to first focus on ourselves,
getting right with our thinking and feeling nature, and then not be heavy-
handed and self-righteous when urging others to do the same.

Change starts from within and ONLY then can it ripple out to those
we love where we have deep impact.

My and Maddie’s Story

My daughter, Maddie (21), has cystic fibrosis, a genetic illness that
severely affects the lungs and digestion, and CF-induced diabetes. 
She has made choices with her food and self-care over the years that
have made her condition worse.

She’s got a rebel inside that convinces her that if she takes my advice,
she’ll be proving me right and her wrong.  So she resists much of what
I preach regarding nutrition and wellness.

She’s been on antibiotics since she was a child.  Since she began going
into the hospital at age 15, she’s been on some very potent, good-
bacteria destroying antibiotics administered through IV’s.

It’s now to the point that this protocol has wreaked havoc on her gut,
and the gut’s health determines about 85% of the immune system’s
effectiveness. So on Saturday, I had a heart-to-heart with her.

I didn’t approach her with an attitude of blame or long lectures.
I simply educated her on what I’ve learned, that traditionally-
trained doctors focus on writing prescriptions and doing surgery.

Their focus is NOT on her health, and nor will it ever be. So it is
going to be up to her to take an active role in her health and begin
seriously looking at her food and drink choices.

I made ME vulnerable and that made all the difference

I’ve had many similar conversations with her over the last 10 years.
What made this time different? My heart felt heavy and fearful for
my daughter’s health, seeing her decline and wondering if her body
will be able to bounce back.

She just spent a week in the hospital in early October, and here
she is again, sick for the last two weeks.  Her last pulmonary
function test was only 44%, and so this doesn’t give her much
wiggle room to bounce back if she gets sick.

So I expressed many pent-up feelings I had by crying in front
of her, being vulnerable. I told her much I loved her and that
she deserves so much more than she allows in her life.

I apologized for all the times I’d been critical of her habits and
how I believe in her strength. I see a happy future ahead of her,
but in order for that to happen, she is going to have to make some
REAL changes with her food and drink.

I told her how scared I was to make changes, to stop eating
processed chips and nachos when I feel agitated, to stay with my
feelings rather than run from them, when I feel anxious.

I talked about how I also felt rejected by my dad and that I had
this need to gain his approval. She admitted how it feels safer to
stay sick because then her dad will give her attention.  I told her this
made sense, but that I believed he would still do that even if she
were healthy.

The result? Maddie feels scared, but she’s ready to change.  We are
going to do this together.  I am going to lead the way by changing myself
first, eating cleaner than I am comfortable with, dealing with what I
feel, and thus be that much kinder to myself.

I believed before that if Maddie were healthy, I would be happy and
could relax and trust the process of life. But that isn’t true.  Something
else would happen that would cause me anxiety, until I got quiet, felt
my feelings, and breathed into them.

If any of this resonates with you, and you are ready to look within
and find your courage, passion and strength, consider a workshop I
have coming up on 12/14.

It’s called Frontier to Your Freedom, in which we will use emotional
freedom technique (EFT or tapping) to help you feel your feelings, take
responsibility for them, and move beyond the pain to your Joyful Self.

Register here for Thursday evening’s class (December 14th) from 6-8pm.


Angie Monko

P.S.: If you want to feel lovable, worthy, supported, and create
your best life experience, come Thursday night to the Frontier to
Freedom class. 

Dana Rich commented on 24-Nov-2017 08:13 PM
Beautiful blog Angie! I too have been stuck in the thinking that if others behaved better I'd be happier! I have learned that I can't change anyone but myself. Also I am learning to try to understand where others are coming from and/or realize that I don't always know where others are coming from and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. I've learned too that if I am harsh with myself, I am harsh with others. When I am kinder and more loving to myself it extends out to others. Thank you for all that you have taught me and my family Angie! <3

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