Have you ever given a name to the part of you who feels like she
deserves to be abandoned, who’s terrified to slow down, falls back on
wine, chocolate, and other substances/activities to numb the pain?
Maybe you’ve not named this part, but she DOES exist. If you get
quiet in this moment, you’ll hear her cry, “Notice me! Tell me I’m
important, lovable, and good enough for you! Tell me that I matter,
Yes, this part is needy and clingy. She probably annoys the hell
out of you because she can be pretty loud, complaining, and obnoxious.
If you’re doing anything new that moves you into unknown territory
of growth, exploration and risk-taking, she’ll probably get even more
difficult to ignore. She will raise the stakes on you.
If it seems weird to talk about yourself as if you have another
part living inside, please understand it’s just a part of your unique
personality expressing itself.
The reason to identify it is so that we become aware of it as the
Observer. When noticed, the part who offers us challenging emotions
tends to calm down.
I call my part “Nellie the Badass” because she reminds me of the sassy,
spoiled brat, Nellie Oleson, from Little House on the Prairie. So if you
were to give your part a name, what would it be?
My Nellie fears that she’s not good enough. She really wants others
to like her, and secretly believes she’s too much for others, that she’s
selfish and self-absorbed.
And it IS true that Nellie is a bit immature; in fact, she’s probably
about 8 or 9 years old. Nellie is very protective of her heart, and she
wants to lash out at others and be right at all costs. She’ll argue a
point all day long, even if makes herself and everyone around her
miserable. She is a fighter, a badass, and won’t back down.
Nellie got especially strong at a time when her mom needed someone
to protect her from Nellie’s abusive dad. Nellie was more than happy to
take on this role. She also learned to stuff her feelings down with food
and not feel her feelings.
Nellie had such a difficult time with feelings, especially disappointment. It
definitely wasn’t safe to be vulnerable and admit when she was wrong. So
she learned to numb and stuff down these tender feelings.
The problem is that this rebellious Nellie the Badass is pretty ineffective
in relationship. And she’s not a good business owner! She can wreak
havoc when trying to protect me, causing arguments with my husband,
making me fearful of putting myself out there when taking risks in my
We all have a “Nellie” within us. Does she sound familiar to you at all?
Maybe not…she’s pretty easy to ignore and avoid because she can feel
like a thorn in your side.
She’s probably been causing some problems for you. She convinces
you that you are going to be abandoned at the slightest sign of “disloyalty”
from another (someone not returning your call, ignoring your text, showing
disrespect, making you feel taken advantage of or misunderstood).
She is quite the blamer, not taking responsibility for her feelings. She can’t
be wrong because if she is, that would make her unlovable.
She also likes to stay busy because it doesn’t feel safe to slow down.
Remember, she doesn’t like to feel her feelings?
I love this reading from a daily reflections book, Meditations for Women Who Do
Too Much, by Anne Schaef. This was taken from October 31st, Being
How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward. Spanish proverb
“For many of us the thought of doing nothing is terrifying. We cannot imagine
what life would be like if we were not slaving away at our projects. Not to
have our projects waiting for us is like trying to live with parts missing. We
have become so dependent upon the security of the next project that they
are no longer our projects. We are owned by them.
Workaholics often experience some depression when they complete a task.
Instead of dealing with the natural feeling of letdown, we overlap completion
with a new beginning. Hence, like the relationship addict, we never have to
deal with separation or beginnings and endings. In fact, we never have to
deal with anything.
Perhaps today I could experiment with doing nothing, and resting
We are so immersed in our own feelings and beliefs that until our current reality
is more painful than the fear of the unknown future, we will stay put in the
When will it be time or safe enough to feel our feelings and begin to deal with
them? For my Nellie, I’d say she and I are ready. I love this part of me, no
matter what. I appreciate her for her fierce, warrior spirit who wants to protect
me. She IS lovable because she is part of me, and Life doesn’t make junk.
All parts of us and all emotions and thoughts are useful because they lead us
back to Truth. What is the Truth?
We don’t have to feel abandoned and unlovable because we CAN accept
ourselves where we’re at. We CAN begin to deal with our feelings, not numb
them out through food and being overly busy.
My bias is that the payoff is much greater than any pain we have to feel to get
to this place of nurturing and acceptance of self. The rewards are to really live,
allow joy, peace, love, prosperity and fulfillment in our lives. When we begin to
feel our worth, we will begin to take proactive action toward a meaningful and
I’ve created a monthly class called Frontier to Your Freedom, in which we will use
emotional freedom technique (EFT or tapping) to help you feel and deal with your
feelings so that you can move past the inertia and discomfort of them and take
much better care of yourself.
Register here for Thursday evening’s class (November 9th) from 6-8pm.
“EFT provides one a way to relax and think more logically.” Beth B
“This class helped me release stress & tension as well as open up to others without
judgement.” Melissa T
“Infinitely valuable, many people will be helped.” Dr.Nick H
“Reopened my heart and mind to allow change and healing.” Margo S.
“Using EFT has significantly helped to relieve my back pain. I love how it calms me!
It has been a true life saver.” Elaine L
“This was extremely valuable for me. I heard myself in everyone's stories &
was able to go from feeling overwhelmed to gaining focus and clarity.” Melissa B
P.S.: If you want to feel lovable, worthy, supported, and create
your best life experience, come Thursday night to the Frontier to