Do you give to get?
The Dreaded Month of October
Well it’s here…the dreaded month of October. This
gorgeous month has always been my favorite, with
the turning leaves here in the Midwest, the launch
of the fall season with our annual craft fair expedition
to Spoon River Drive in Peoria, Illinois, the scary movies,
Halloween decorations, Haunted Houses, parties, and
the culmination on 10/31 when costumed children
would show up on our doorstep with outstretched hands
for Snickers and M&Ms.
My mom would come over, we’d order pizza, put on
Halloween the movie, and wait for the kiddos to arrive.
It is 10/2 as I write this blog, and I’ve not even put my
Halloween decorations out yet. Typically, I’d put them
out in early September.
Why the difference? Last 10/26/18, I lost my 22 year old
daughter, Maddie, to cystic fibrosis (CF). October was also
her favorite month. I realized I need to re-frame this month
and begin to see it in a new light because last October
turned into a living nightmare for me, watching her suffer.
So I hired a coach/hypnotist, Dawn, to help me heal this
trauma, in addition to doing a lot of energy healing on
myself this past year.
Last week, while on vacation with my family in Big Sky,
Montana, I did a session with Dawn. I thought it went
profoundly well. I had an aha moment, which for me
means that an idea that I understood consciously dropped
down into my heart , where I will implement.
Happy Birthday, Mommy!
Monday, 9/23/19 (my 50th birthday), I awoke around 4am,
with a clear message from Maddie (she communicates with
me this way), “Happy birthday, Mommy! I’m the first one to
say it! When you work with Dawn tomorrow, focus on
Maddie is my teacher, angel and guide from beyond the
physical realm. In life, she was a certified healing code
practitioner and she coached others too. Her advice made
So Dawn asked me lots of questions and we discovered
one of my core wounds is “Continual Seeker: something
we counted on went away without warning, it was our fault
because we weren’t good enough. It will continue until I
find something OUT THERE that will fix it and make it OK.”
You see, I’d been seeking for 22.5 years to find out how to
save Maddie from her disease of CF. When she died, there
was a void. So I re-focused my attention on my husband,
Steve, and my mom.
My Job Was The Hero Who Would Rescue Them
My job was to be the hero who would rescue them from their
unhealthy choices (food, drink, exercise, etc.). And isn’t
this a good thing!???!!
My other core wound was the Power Play: we give to get. We
don’t express our power in the world because of what we
can bring but because of what we can GET.
I really didn’t think this was my core wound because I LOVE
to give to others from my heart, but when Dawn helped me
to see that I’ve been giving my unwanted “gift” of advice to
my mom and Steve in return for their health and longevity,
it was like a gut punch.
If they live, I don’t have to suffer and see them die. Again,
it seems acceptable and justifiable right?
They Will Resent The One Advising Them
The problem is that it creates disconnection between us
when we advise others. Even if they’re asking for advice,
we must be careful because they will resent their adviser
if it’s overdone. They unconsciously see us as someone
who holds power over them.
This need of mine to play “mom knows best” creates
disconnection. It makes others feel incompetent. This
was never my intention, but it was the impact.
I’d been having a wonderful vacation with my family,
enjoying the natural beauty of Big Sky, Montana, the amazing
wildlife (3 foxes regularly came up to our back patio to be
fed), Yellowstone National Park and its gorgeous geysers,
and the intimate connection and conversation with my family.
My birthday couldn’t have gone better!
The following morning, 9/24, Dawn gave me the coaching
session. We went for a hike on the Hellroaring Trail. We actually
turned around because we found bear claws on the path.
They are about to hibernate, and though we were armed
with bear spray, we all felt too vulnerable to continue.
We found another trail, Ousel Falls, which was simply
amazing with a waterfall as the prize ending of the trail.
We went back to our condo, played poker, drank wine, and
Brandon (our daughter’s boyfriend) made us tacos and
Ugh! Why Me?!
After dinner, we went up to the hot tub. I was looking at the
hot tub, thinking it looked inviting. I turned to my right to set
my water bottle down on a nearby table, and I tripped.
It totally took me by surprise. What the heck did I trip on?!
I hadn’t seen any obstacle. It happened so fast. I was
catapulted forward and landed hard on my right shoulder,
dislocating it. Man did it hurt!
I had tripped over this 2 inch raised skimmer of the hot tub
that blended into the surroundings of the floor. Steve,
Chelsea and Brandon rushed me to the nearest medical
center, where they put me out briefly, and popped my
shoulder back into place.
To say I was bummed out was an understatement! I HAD
so been enjoying our time together. I’d had a BIG revelation
about how I wanted to love others and really live with them
in the moment. And now this?! WTF!!!!
I No Longer Wanted to Be Everything to Everybody
I quickly realized why it had happened. In our session
I had made the decision I no longer wanted to be
everything to everybody by taking over-responsibility and
over-powering them. I was serious…and I was scared.
This “accident” symbolized this paradigm shift because our
shoulders are a metaphor for carrying the weight of the world.
This was a pattern interrupt expressed in my body. It sure got
It also allowed Steve, Chelsea and Brandon to take care of
me and for me to receive love, support and kindness. It was
a lesson in humility.
It has really strengthened my relationship with my husband.
When I stopped advising him on life, it allowed him to step up
to his potential, AND it takes so much less of my energy.
By dislocating my shoulder, it gave me the wake up call to
see how much this pattern interrupt was needed.
Giving to Get Hurts Our Relationships
When we give to get or receive, it really negatively impacts the
relationships with those we love, especially the relationship
with our romantic partner.
Isn’t it funny how we take our significant other for granted?
We expect them to change for us to be happy. The irony
is that when we adjust our perception of them and begin
showing them love and respect without expecting them
to drop the boxing gloves first, THEY start to change too.
Morgan Higdon and I will be teaching How People Pleasing
Shows Up In Your Romantic Life on 10/16/19. Register Now.
Create the kind of deep connection with your partner that allows
you to soar. When you truly feel that your partner has your back,
loves and supports you, you will inevitably take more risks to
be yourself. You will feel much more fulfilled.
Angie & Morgan