About 13 years ago I learned about this concept
called Victim versus Responsible.
According to the teaching, a victim blames everyone
and everything for how life is unfairly folding for them.
Instead, we want to be response-able and take
ownership of our thoughts, feelings and actions.
Anyhow, I taught this concept to my daughters who were
around 9 and 10 years old. And one day, Maddie or
Chelsea(I can't remember which) was complaining and really
So I began this annoying practice of putting my first and
second fingers into a V on my forehead and saying,
"You're being a Victim."
Yah, I'm not too proud of this! I very soon realized that
in fact, I was the one being a victim when I did this. I was
being very self-righteous because of some newfound
life coaching knowledge.
Can you relate? Often times, when we first learn a new
concept but don't really know how to apply it, we can be
unaware and come off as real preachy or advice-giving.
This brings me to the 5th of 9 Worthy Self-Advocate (WSA)
Attributes, to be Responsible, not Righteous. A WSA is
someone who relates to herself and others with courage,
authenticity and kindness and knows she's enough.
One Extreme: I feel overly responsible for outcomes to
the point that I become self-righteous and "advise" others
when not solicited because my advice is superior. There is
lots of physical activity going on in my world.
a. I tend to be a busy body and am up in everybody’s
business, “taking on” their energy.
b. I resent that everyone relies on me for family functions
and to keep things together in general. Things would fall
apart if it weren’t for me.
c. I am responsible for how everyone feels. I like to play
God because I’m good at it.
d. My attempts at control are exhausting because they
don’t always listen to me. I feel leveraged by their
willingness to do as I want them to.
e. I blame others and get on their side of the street,
deflecting the attention from my own controlling behavior.
Other Extreme: I feel inept at relationships and take a
“hands off” approach to them. People are messy, and I have
a hard enough time being responsible for my own life, let
a. I tend to isolate and not take responsibility for my own
b. I blame others for not respecting my opinions.
c. My life feels unfair and everyone else has it so
because I have (mental challenges, disabilities, etc.)—
poor me. Feel sorry for me.
d. I never really allow myself to get that close to anyone
because, if I’m really honest, I don’t trust others with
my vulnerable heart. And even more honest, I don’t
feel fit for human consumption.
a. I take responsibility for my choices, thoughts, and
feelings without harsh self-judgment and therefore
have greater impact and influence. No one is making me
feel a certain way. "I'm in charge of how I perceive things,
and I choose to respond in a way that honors my values."
b. I don’t put myself on a pedestal as the guru who’s going
to fix others, and I don’t feel sorry for them, because when
I do that, we aren’t able to connect and trust is lost. “What
can you do to solve this situation? I believe in your ability
to figure this out.”
c. I avoid saying YOU which puts others on defense.
d. I let others be responsible for their feelings and success
because I have a full-time job being responsible for my
OWN feelings. In other words, I “stay on my side of the street.”
e. I no longer need to control outcomes, and by believing in
others beyond their “feel sorry for me” story, I give them
the space to step up to their own success.
f. I follow through on my commitments to myself and others,
which builds trust.
g. I am building a clientele who sees me as someone who
will be real with them, someone they can trust to help
them be their own worthy self-advocate, not someone
they are dependent upon and robs them of their own
power, which they would ultimately resent.
If this conversation intrigues you to dig deeper within yourself
for answers to how YOU can become a Worthy Self-Advocate
and create a life that's aligned with YOUR values and is
joyfully sustainable, let's get together.
Come to our next Frontier to Freedom Class which is
Thursday, 8/9/18. I'd love to see you there!