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Do you find yourself protecting your heart from others because you don't trust them?
You might tell yourself that people don't stick to their word on things.
They are so wishy-washy. Why SHOULD you trust them? Why should
you love them because they aren't safe to love.
Today I want to talk about the 8th attribute of a Worthy Self-Advocate (WSA)--
to be loving, not controlling. A WSA is someone who relates to herself and others
with courage, authenticity and kindness and knows she's enough.
If I'm brutally honest with myself, this is one area that I definitely
need to improve upon, especially with my immediate family.
I'm reminded of a story that Alex Loyd (author and creator of the
Healing Codes) tells.
He's been married to his wife, Hope, now for 29 years. But 3 years into
their marriage, she asked him to move out. He was struggling
financially, was having some health issues, and said he was acting like
He began to look within for the answers. When he got really honest
with himself, he realized that the way he'd been showing up for Hope
hadn't been loving at all.
He put so many conditions on her, so many expectations of what a
wife should do for him. If she didn't do as he wanted, he'd withhold his
love. He was practicing what he calls "Business Deal Love."
Business Deal Love or What's In It For ME? love may look like
love, but it's really just an attempt to control someone to get what
we want. It's about keeping score or track of what the other person
does or doesn't do.
Once he understood this, he was determined to change his ways.
So he made a decision to love without a safety net and BE ALL IN--
forever. This is what True Love is; it's not conditional but forgiving.
Isn't that what we all want after all? We want others to accept us
as we are right now. Can we do the same for others?
There are two extremes to this kind of conditional loving, both resulting
from fear. In one extreme we are very clingy and vocal, and with the
other, we are cold and aloof.
One Extreme: I need others to love and approve of me to feel okay, and
so I have a tendency to smother others with my neediness and demands.
I’m very vocal about this.
a. I try to control others by withholding my love if they disappoint me,
don't do as I expect, or have different beliefs. This may be obvious or covert.
b. I judge and label others when they disagree with me, and I close my
heart off to them as a form of self-protection.
c. When clients don’t behave in a manner I think they should, or they blame
me for their results, I defend myself rather than staying open and inviting questions
for deeper understanding and connection.
Other Extreme: I need others to validate my worth, and I inwardly resent them for
having that much power over me.
a. Loving others is a lost cause because they’ll let me down, and so I reject them
before they have a chance to hurt me.
b. I am aloof, cold, and distant and make little effort to connect with others.
c. I have a difficult time building relationships with clients and family alike because
I don’t trust myself or them to stay committed to the relationship.
Worthy Self-Advocate Behaviors:
a. I’m okay if people disagree with my outlooks and beliefs about life because
I don’t take their views as a personal attack against me. I still love and accept them.
b. To grow my business, I persist with having effective sales conversations, and
I respect others whether they say yes or no to me.
c. I build long-term relationships based on trust, and it starts by trusting and being
committed to me no matter what others say or do.
d. I love others with a mature, patient love, without putting conditions on them to change.
e. I let others know the true me, even if it feels scary, thus creating intimate connection.
f. I create authentic relationships that are the basis of a happy life and fulfilling
business by being courageous, vulnerable, and real.
To love unconditionally is very uncommon. So don't beat yourself up if you
aren't there. I'm certainly not. But by being aware that I want to MOVE TOWARD
unconditional love, I will improve and so will you.
It starts with you loving you. Come join me this Thursday night at The Frontier
to Freedom workshop. The whole purpose is to help you love, accept and forgive
yourself so that you can feel worthy of receiving joy, peace and love.
Sounds soft, huh? That's OK. We need to be softer, kinder, gentler on ourselves
so that we can extend that love to others.
Register here. Hope to see you Thursday!